1
00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:41,639
Excuse me?

2
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:44,513
- Have you got Skiing Monthly?
- Bottom left, sir.

3
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:46,551
Thank you.

4
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:55,478
- Morning, Mr Wilkes.
- Good morning.

5
00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:58,797
- Did you get that copy of Pig Breeder for me?
- Yes, Mr Good.

6
00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:01,431
There you are.

7
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:04,596
- Two, wasn't it?
- That's right.

8
00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:06,631
Thank you.

9
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:13,029
I don't have any eggs on me.
Do you accept cash?

10
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,152
Skiing Monthly - 25p.

11
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,833
Did you get that skiing?

12
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:20,871
No. No, no.

13
00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:24,038
I was defrosting the fridge
and I slipped on an ice cube.

14
00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:27,594
Sorry, I forgot.
Did you get those potato peelings for me?

15
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:29,631
Oh, yes.

16
00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:32,911
Here you are.

17
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,918
- Lerm...
- No, no. Have them on me.

18
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:38,156
- Cheers, then.
- Cheers.

19
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,399
I hope you don't mind my asking,
but is he a bit...?

20
00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:43,829
Mr Good? Far from it.

21
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:47,113
You name it
and they'll try to swap something for it.

22
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:48,559
Mr Good and his wife.

23
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,431
(Doorbell)

24
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:02,831
- Hi.
- Morning, Mrs Good. Windows?

25
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:07,431
Not any more, thank you. It's only money
for essentials from now on, you see.

26
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:09,357
Oh, what a shame. Still...

27
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:11,073
- Unless...
- Unless what?

28
00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:13,839
Well, you could still come every week, but erm...

29
00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:16,633
Maybe I could pay you in some other way.

30
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:21,751
Pardon?

31
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:26,078
Well, you know, instead of money, perhaps we
could come to some sort of arrangement.

32
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:31,913
- I see.
- What do you think?

33
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,951
Erm...

34
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:41,193
- Mrs Good, can I ask you a question?
- Of course.

35
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:43,633
Do you like me?

36
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,991
- You're very nice.
- Thank you.

37
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,276
And I want you to know that I like you, too.

38
00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:52,355
Thank you.

39
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:56,951
And I respect you, so there would be respect
in this arrangement both ways.

40
00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:57,796
Mutually.

41
00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,832
You're making it sound like
the Treaty of Versailles.

42
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,998
It's just I've never been approached
like this before, you see.

43
00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:07,351
It's the oldest form of business in the world.
Now, then...

44
00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:10,790
What have I got that's worth all these windows?

45
00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,679
Inside and out?

46
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:21,477
Right. How about erm... a bottle of homemade
wine, half a dozen lettuce and spring onions?

47
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:25,671
Pardon?

48
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:27,438
For the barter, for the exchange.

49
00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:30,040
What.. for the windows?

50
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:30,876
Yes.

51
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:35,471
Oh. Oh, dear, Mrs Good,
I really cannot apologise enough.

52
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,751
- I 'am... l am most terribly sorry.
- What for?

53
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,519
Mrs Good,
please allow me to do your windows free.

54
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:43,039
Gratuitously.

55
00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,959
- I couldn't do that.
- I must, and I'm sorry.

56
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,991
I really am.

57
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,716
I really am sorry.

58
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,311
Deeply.

59
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,357
Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!

60
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,911
Tom, I do...

61
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,957
What is that?

62
00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:27,239
Two dustbins on a trolley.

63
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,276
I know it's two dustbins on a trolley, Tom.

64
00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:32,914
And when I asked you the question
it was a rhetorical one,

65
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:37,079
which does not need a direct answer
as you knew very well in the first place.

66
00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,839
You make me hold my breath
when you do those long sentences.

67
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:41,879
What is it?

68
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:45,234
It's two rhetorical dustbins on a rhetorical trolley.

69
00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:49,035
Then would you please remove them from
my crazy paving before someone sees us?

70
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:52,916
They'd have less chance of seeing us
if we hide behind the dustbins.

71
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,998
Tom, I am not in the mood for your smutty,
schoolboy humour.

72
00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:58,111
Particularly as I have a splitting headache.

73
00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,356
I'm sorry about that. What brought that on?

74
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,153
Your chickens clucking all through the night.

75
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:06,113
That's because they're hungry - poor little devils.

76
00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,949
They depend on old Tom - Daddy, as they call
me - to bring home a few kitchen scraps.

77
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,674
Have you got any?
Everyone else has chipped in.

78
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:17,430
Do you mean to say you have been wheeling
that filthy apparatus up and down The Avenue

79
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:19,198
begging for kitchen scraps?

80
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:21,754
Certainly. And it's not begging, it's recycling.

81
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:26,271
Tom, when will you realise you are living
in Surbiton and not Zaire?

82
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:28,709
As soon as that gorilla comes down off the roof.

83
00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:33,990
I am sorry,
I refuse to conduct a conversation at this level.

84
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:35,758
Give us some scraps and I'll push off.

85
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,036
I do not have any scraps.

86
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,071
- You do.
- I do not.

87
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:45,273
- You must have.
- I do not! I have a waste disposal unit.

88
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,311
So have I - my animals.

89
00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:50,432
You might as well give me your potato peelings
than throw them away.

90
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:54,713
I do not throw them away.
I told you, I have a waste disposal unit.

91
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:58,435
All right, if you ever come round
with your arm torn off I'll know what's happened.

92
00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:01,711
Thank you very much for wishing
bodily mutilation on me, Tom.

93
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,673
But I have better things to do with my rubbish
than throw it away.

94
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:06,552
Oh, blow you, then.

95
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:10,514
In any case, you've got a mountain of the stuff
in your back garden already.

96
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:15,031
I know what you'll do. You'll build it up and up
until it becomes a mini-Matterhorn

97
00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:16,878
staring over the fence at me.

98
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:20,390
Wrong. Because I'm increasing my livestock.
They'll get rid of it.

99
00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,795
Oh, for heaven's sake, not more chickens.

100
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:24,353
No, no. Pigs.

101
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,310
Pigs?

102
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:26,953
Oink, oink.

103
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,875
Oh. Well, how's the cheese?

104
00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:51,116
Hanging about. Good old Geraldine.

105
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,036
Ah, yes, the goat with the golden boobs.

106
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,310
Geraldine - is that what you call her?

107
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,636
- Yes.
- I wish you wouldn't anthropomorphise.

108
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,557
- Eh?
- Look, animals are animals,

109
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,318
not little people dressed up in skins.

110
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:05,398
That's good coming from someone
who calls a cockerel Lenin.

111
00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:08,198
All right, clever, you asked for this.

112
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:09,753
- Hmnph!
- Aarrgh!

113
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:13,111
Making a lot, aren't you?
Goat's milk cheese doesn't keep very long.

114
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:14,070
Swapsies.

115
00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:16,270
Great.
You did a deal with the window cleaner.

116
00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,834
- No, he did them for nothing.
- Oh, yeah? Why?

117
00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:22,271
He thought I was offering him something
and then he found out that I wasn't

118
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,311
so he did them for nothing.

119
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,431
- Am I supposed to understand that?
- No.

120
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:27,959
Oh.

121
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:32,198
Did you know that the major endoparasite
of the pig is the liver fluke?

122
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:34,834
Obvious. Everybody knows that.

123
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,271
- Can ll comein?
- Jerry.

124
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,431
Did you know that the major endoparasite
of the pig is the liver fluke?

125
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,710
- No, of course not.
- See.

126
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:47,594
Look, I've been having... a chat with Margo.

127
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:51,474
How is Margo? How's her waste disposal unit?

128
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:52,840
Oh..it's fine.

129
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:56,510
Look, erm... do you have to keep pigs?

130
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:59,598
Jerry, you've been sent over from enemy lines
with a message.

131
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,074
Well, I'm afraid she's serious.

132
00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:04,511
- I've never known her anything else.
- She really means business this time.

133
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:07,154
If she has to live next door to pigs
she'll take steps.

134
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:09,919
- Moving?
- No, she's going to bring in Mr Carter.

135
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,839
- (Gasps) No! Not Mr Carter!
- Anything but that.

136
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:16,350
- Who is Mr Carter?
- New chairman of the Residents' Association.

137
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,518
Then you leave me no alternative.
I'll bring in a hired gun from Esher.

138
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:22,951
- This is range war.
- Seriously, he's a real goer this bloke.

139
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:27,233
You know local mums have wanted a zebra
crossing on Downs Road for the last two years?

140
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:32,195
He's been chairman for the last month and -
zap, pow! - there's a zebra crossing there now.

141
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:35,631
- All right, so he gets things done.
- He's going to do you too.

142
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:37,478
- Over her dead body.
- Right.

143
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,636
Look, I never wanted it to come to this.

144
00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:44,390
I reckon your daft way of life will grind to a halt
without any help from the neighbours. Sorry.

145
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:47,034
- Its all right, Jerry, it's not you.
- Indeed, it is not.

146
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:49,959
Go in peace, good Gerald,
but tell thy sovereign lady this.

147
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:54,119
If she doth bite her thumbs at us,
we do it back unto her other thumbs.

148
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:58,674
Don't call us, we'll call you.

149
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:03,474
Ah, well, Jerry, never mind, you said Margo's
piece - at least you'll get your dinner now.

150
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,397
- Yes, that's true.
- What are you having?

151
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,431
Pork.

152
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:14,430
Aww.

153
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:17,552
Fancy calling little things like you swine.

154
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,069
You're not, are you?
You're my little Pinky and Perky.

155
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:21,713
Barbara.

156
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,910
Well, Barbara and Perky.

157
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:27,112
That's walking bacon and don't you forget it.

158
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,834
Misery. Come on, let's finish the little house.

159
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,278
Sty.

160
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:34,311
House!

161
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:37,673
All right, you lot, come on.

162
00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:39,711
And you, out. Come on.

163
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,071
That's right.

164
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:54,552
This beats sitting under the hairdryer
and talking about the pill, I can tell you.

165
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,511
Our trowels touched then.

166
00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,195
I know.

167
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:03,869
So you've got them?

168
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:08,599
Oh, yes, we've both got them.
That's what makes it such fun.

169
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,631
Well, I gave you fair warning.

170
00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:13,433
I'm sorry. You leave me no alternative.

171
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:16,836
I am going to telephone Mr Carter.

172
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:17,551
Margo?

173
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:18,431
Yes?

174
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:20,470
Oink, oink!

175
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:31,431
(Blows)

176
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,996
- Moment of truth.
- I should think so.

177
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,039
Well...

178
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:50,878
good luck, old man.

179
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:53,116
Thank you, old man.

180
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,275
- Another few bob saved.
- Cobblers to cobblers.

181
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,277
- (Doorbell)
- Three guesses.

182
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:06,311
Mr Carter, and I'm ready for him.

183
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,034
- Good evening, Tom.
- Good evening, Margo.

184
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,674
- This is Mr Carter.
- Evening, Mr Good.

185
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,678
Good evening, Mr Carter.
That's got the formalities over.

186
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:25,190
I'm busy, so If you just make your threats,
I'll ignore them and you can clear off.

187
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:28,676
- No threats. I just want to have a chat.
- That's what Hitler said at Munich.

188
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,711
Come on.

189
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,037
May I come in as well?

190
00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:36,230
Unless you want to listen through the keyhole.

191
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,598
Mr Carter - Barbara, my wife.

192
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:46,836
- How do you do?
- Hello, won't you sit down?

193
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,111
Right, now.

194
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:56,151
(Coughs)

195
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,151
Oh.

196
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,071
Excuse me.

197
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:10,559
- Right, now.
- Am I to be offered a seat in this house?

198
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:11,795
No.

199
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,429
- Then I shall stand.
- Oh, sit down, Margo.

200
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,550
- No Jerry?
- He has another engagement.

201
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:26,356
He's too embarrassed to come. He has the
decency not to get mixed up in this interference.

202
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:27,834
- Mr Carter.
- Well...

203
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:30,554
Ah-ah-ah! I'm having my fourpenny worth first.

204
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:35,231
Now, you may be chairman of the Residents'
Association but we are not normal residents.

205
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,556
- Quite.
- We're trying a new way of life.

206
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,193
And working very hard at it.

207
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,676
We worked out what we put into it
and what we get out of it, hopefully.

208
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,189
We don't belong to anybody
or want any interference.

209
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,231
- Mr Carter.
- Oh, be quiet. Go on, Tom.

210
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:50,591
I don't expect you to understand.
Nine-till-fiver, company car.

211
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:52,711
All nice and cosy inside the system.

212
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:55,912
What could you possibly know about
trying to make it on your own, eh?

213
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,076
- Quite a lot. I did.
- Exactly.

214
00:12:58,920 --> 00:12:59,876
What?

215
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:01,915
I did.

216
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,270
I left the system as well. Eight years ago.

217
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:07,233
I hardly sold a thing for six years,
but now I make a living at it.

218
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,079
- At what?
- Writing, freelance.

219
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:14,990
Calling me Hitler, by all means, but don't tell me
I know nothing about chancing my arm.

220
00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:16,515
Oh.

221
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,073
Bravo, Mr Carter.

222
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,112
Nonsense. That makes it worse.
If you know about going it alone,

223
00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:24,357
then you shouldn't be here
interfering with our personal liberty.

224
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,277
- Quite right.
- lam not!

225
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,719
What are you doing?

226
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:32,231
Mr Carter is here in his official capacity
as chairman of the Residents' Association

227
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:35,477
to tell you on my behalf
that you may not keep pigs.

228
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,511
I'm not.

229
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:45,719
I am just here as an unbiased referee to help
sort out a little problem between neighbours.

230
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:47,797
- A little problem?
- Look, Mrs Leadbetter.

231
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:52,676
Let's get down to cases. Why precisely
do you object to the Goods keeping pigs?

232
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:55,234
Because... they are pigs.

233
00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:56,839
Yes.

234
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,269
Well, that's it. Isn't it enough?

235
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:00,355
No.

236
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:03,472
Well, that wraps that up.
Anybody fancy a game of crib?

237
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:07,350
I'm afraid that doesn't quite wrap it up, Mr Good.

238
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:11,075
We should establish whether Mrs Leadbetter
has grounds for complaint.

239
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:14,112
At last, Mr Carter. Tell him what they are.

240
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:17,312
- Well, don't you know?
- Oh, all right. Look, Mr Good.

241
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:20,432
Do they constitute any kind of health hazard?

242
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:21,993
- Exactly.
- No.

243
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:25,317
I've had my land checked for parasites
and my animals vetted by a vet.

244
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,078
They're healthier than I am.

245
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:30,875
Fair enough. Mind you,
pigs do have a habit of creating piles of...

246
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:32,069
Exactly.

247
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:34,270
Piles of what?

248
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:35,594
Piles of...

249
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:37,358
Piles of what, Margo?

250
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,391
Piles of...

251
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,589
I know you're trying to make me say the word.

252
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:47,471
All right, then. I'll say it. Piles of dirties.

253
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,831
Anyway, that's no problem.
It's all going to go down to the cellar.

254
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:53,234
Oh, my God.

255
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:56,955
In containers, Margo.
We intend to convert it into fuel.

256
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,196
- Oh. Methane?
- Yes.

257
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:01,231
- What a good idea.
- Mr Carter...

258
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:05,073
- Well, I can't think of anything else.
- Well I can.

259
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,111
- What?
- It will ruin my garden.

260
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:10,516
- We're not keeping them in your garden.
- Say they jumped over the fence.

261
00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:15,509
Come on, I can't see piglets doing the Fosbury
Flop over a great high fence like that.

262
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:17,119
- They'll find a way.
- They won't.

263
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:18,230
- They will.
- They won't.

264
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,112
- They will.
- Won't. They're penned in.

265
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:22,595
- They will.
- (Mouths) They won't.

266
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:26,599
If it comes to destruction of property,
I have a right to take legal action.

267
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:32,352
All right. If they build a ladder and set a trotter in
your garden, I'll get rid of them. How's that?

268
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,879
Seems very fair to me.

269
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:37,515
It does not alter the fact
that I can still see pigs from my patio.

270
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,511
However, we will leave it at that.

271
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,038
Barbara, Tom.

272
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:45,993
- Margo, Margo.
- Margo, Margo.

273
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,791
Good night, Mr Carter.

274
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:54,075
And I'm sorry to say this, but you are not
the Mr Carter I imagined you to be.

275
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,634
- Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
(Door closes)

276
00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:00,756
Because she's exactly the Mrs Leadbetter
I imagined her to be.

277
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:06,351
- Have you got warm hands?
- Yes.

278
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,914
Right. You milk the goat, I'll collect the eggs.

279
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,315
I want to see whether
Pinky and Perky are all right.

280
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,351
Right.

281
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:20,911
See?

282
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:23,117
They didn't make a ladder.

283
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,071
- Oh, no!
- What?

284
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:27,111
They didn't need to. Look!

285
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,390
(Whispers) Pinky! Perky! Come here!

286
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:42,236
Heel!

287
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,274
Heel! Sit!

288
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:48,031
Just a minute.

289
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,716
It's no good. They're not looking.

290
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,431
There's nothing else for it.

291
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,553
- What?
- I have to get over the top. Give me a hand.

292
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,591
Get on my hands.

293
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:11,711
Just a minute.

294
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:13,751
Careful.

295
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,791
(Groans)

296
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,309
(Grunting)

297
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:28,954
Morning, Tom.

298
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,796
Bye, Pinky. Bye, Perky.

299
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:52,831
All right, Jack. Away you go.

300
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,676
Oh, Tom!

301
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,591
Never mind, love.

302
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:30,275
Just off, darling?

303
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:32,789
I usually am when I'm putting my overcoat on.

304
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:36,873
- No need to telephone if you're going to be late.
- I shan't.

305
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:41,476
- Anything special you'd like for dinner?
- Anything except pork.

306
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:45,514
I must say, Jerry, I never realised before
that you were so fond of pigs.

307
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,517
I'm not. They're nasty, smelly creatures.

308
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:51,474
But I'd rather have Tom and Barbara as friends
with pigs than not friends without them.

309
00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,990
I don't see why you should make me out
the villain of the piece.

310
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:58,112
Nothing wrong in asking someone
to honour an agreement.

311
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:00,151
That's what they said about Shylock.

312
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:04,911
- Are we downhearted?
- Yes.

313
00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:08,070
- Are we gonna let this get the better of us?
- Yes.

314
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:11,795
Come on, cheer up. Tell you what,
let's see how our wine's come on.

315
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:14,831
Ah.

316
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:19,997
Yes, an unpretentious little peapod Burgundy,
but I think you'll like its impudent charm.

317
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,589
- Does it travel?
- Travel? All of ten feet.

318
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,398
There we are, Chateau Good '75.

319
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,471
Ah!

320
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:34,356
Now, look, love. We've got to expect setbacks.

321
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,994
We've just had one.
Let's put it behind us and battle on.

322
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:39,031
- To the future.
- To the future.

323
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,956
(Both gasp)

324
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:50,359
If that's the future, I'm going to kill myself.

325
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:55,036
It's hurting the back of my eyes.

326
00:19:58,640 --> 00:19:59,675
Strewth!

327
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,711
How many bottles did we make of that?

328
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,791
Only two dozen.

329
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:06,877
- Blast.
- (Knock at door)

330
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,070
May I come in?

331
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:12,919
Yes, it's all right, Margo. There's no pigs about.

332
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:20,077
I... I just want to know if it's going to be possible
for us to continue our relationship.

333
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:23,954
Well, you're not exactly flavour of the month,
Margo, but I suppose it'll wear off.

334
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,799
At least when you're in opposition
you're open about it.

335
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:28,035
Thank you.

336
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:30,071
Come on, then. Have a drink.

337
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,511
Thank you very much.

338
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,431
Here's to a clean slate.

339
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,471
Oh!

340
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,391
Oh, my word.

341
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:54,751
That's good.

342
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:57,631
Excellent.

343
00:20:57,680 --> 00:20:59,717
Have some more.

344
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,751
Thank you very much.

345
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,669
Well, I mean, it was an agreement, wasn't it?

346
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:11,711
Yes.

347
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,676
And both parties did agree, didn't they?

348
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,711
Yes.

349
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:23,394
I wasn't being unfair in asking you to honour
your side of the agreement, was 17

350
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:26,398
- Oh, Margo, do stop going on and on about it.
- Sorry.

351
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:30,630
After all, they were only pigs.

352
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,830
You could get some nice doves instead.

353
00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:37,078
"Nice doves instead." You haven't the faintest
idea what we're trying to do here.

354
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,919
We didn't get pigs
to make the garden look pretty.

355
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,270
We keep pigs for sound economic reasons.

356
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,470
We.. kept pigs.

357
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,909
Well, if this business has left you out of pocket...

358
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,713
No. Dead weight -
I just about recouped my outlay.

359
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:52,559
Dead weight? What's dead weight?

360
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:56,673
Like, if I poleaxed you now,
it's the price I'd get for your carcass.

361
00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:59,199
That was a slaughterhouse truck.

362
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:01,957
Well, don't look so shocked.

363
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:05,118
If I try to sell them back to the breeder
I get less than I paid for them.

364
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:07,390
They depreciate,
and we've got books to balance.

365
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,431
I didn't ask you to kill them.

366
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:12,120
I thought you would just send them away
somewhere.

367
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,471
Where to? Boarding school?

368
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:21,755
Well, they have places where they retire horses.

369
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,311
They were too young to retire, Margo.

370
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,310
They were only ten weeks old.

371
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:30,680
Only ten weeks?

372
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,552
Just weaned.

373
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,196
Not much of a life, was it?

374
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,549
Just babies, really.

375
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,752
Never even felt the sun on their backs.

376
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:49,552
Tom, you don't suppose they sensed
where they were going, do you?

377
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:52,399
No, they say animals know
when they're going to die, but...

378
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:57,560
Mind you, that little cry they made when
we closed the tailgate was almost human.

379
00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,911
They don't feel anything, do they, when...

380
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:03,078
When they're garrotted? No.

381
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,149
I don't think so. Well, not much, anyway.

382
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,953
Stop it! For goodness' sake, stop it!

383
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:15,237
Look, here are the keys to my car.
Go and save your wretched pigs.

384
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:21,869
- Just hope I'm in time.
- Oh, cheers to that.

385
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:33,113
20.

386
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:37,677
Pay 21s, Pontoons and five-card tricks only.

387
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,150
He just said he was going to get rid of them.

388
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:44,158
He didn't say they were going to be slaughtered.

389
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:47,079
Come on, play. Pay 21s.

390
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,391
- 16.
- Well done.

391
00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:58,472
If I have nightmares it will be Tom's fault.

392
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:00,591
He should have told me.

393
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,673
Look, it's no good getting your knickers
in a twist.

394
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,070
Twist.

395
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,759
There's nothing we can do about it now
either way.

396
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:14,831
Twist.

397
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,511
Either Tom was in time or he wasn't.

398
00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:21,911
Twist.

399
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,473
And if he wasn't... Twist.

400
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,151
Well, that's that, then, isn't it?

401
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:34,311
Twist.

402
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:42,271
I know we had a bit of a difference
over this thing...

403
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:43,151
Twist.

404
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:48,356
But you acted very decently in the end.

405
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:52,551
Twist.

406
00:24:56,600 --> 00:25:00,355
(Tearfully) I just... hope it isn't the end
for little Pinky and Perky.

407
00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:03,955
Stick.

408
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:11,753
Jerry called me Shylock.

409
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:18,949
Pay 19s, 20s, 21s and 22s.

410
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:24,111
75.

411
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:26,791
Bust.

412
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:29,360
Barbara!

413
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:30,629
It's Tom!

414
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:35,031
Barbara.

415
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:39,912
- Thank heavens!
- Oh, Pinky and Perky!

416
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:43,351
Talk about cheating Mademoiselle Guillotine,
the Scarlet Pimpernel wasn't in it.

417
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,711
I can't tell you how relieved I am.

418
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:48,319
And [I'll say this...

419
00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:50,874
I know. Pigs aren't really so bad, are they?

420
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:52,911
Oh, yes, they are. They're horrid.

421
00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:56,669
And if they ever set foot in my garden again
there will be no reprieve.

422
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:58,870
I'll make their pen like Wormwood Scrubs.

423
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:01,070
- Very well, then.
- Margo?

424
00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:01,871
Yes?

425
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:03,194
Thanks, sexy.

426
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,231
Don't be silly.

427
00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:10,157
Well driven, my hero.

428
00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:12,751
I say, it wore on you, did it?

429
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,596
Are we the happiest Tom and Barbara
in the world?

430
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:16,471
Easily.

431
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:20,036
Right. Sober up, get your working clothes on,
we've got a prison camp to build.

432
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:22,959
- Oh, welcome home Pinky and Perky.
- (Chuckles)

433
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:24,991
Tom, thank God you made it.

434
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:31,395
Now, listen.

435
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:36,150
If you ever let on I didn't make it and you're not
Pinky and Perky, it's sausage-time.

436
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:40,750
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